Wave after Wave

Well. It's been about a year since I've posted on here. And for good reason.

I needed a break from infertility.

WE needed a break from infertility.

It was drowning our lives.

It was drowning US.

After Isaiah's first birthday, we tried our first IUI. Obviously, if you've seen me in person, it was unsuccessful. And that's okay.

We went into it knowing it wouldn't work, so it wouldn't hurt as bad when we found out. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

BUT; we are not giving up. And never will.

We just needed some AIR.

A breath.

When you're in the midst of infertility, it feels like Shipwreck Beach in Kauai, wave after wave, crashing and pulling you down. The second you come up for air, you get smacked and dragged down all over again. And sometimes, you just need to get out of the water. It doesn't mean you will never get your feet wet again.

During that time "off", we worked on each other, we worked on ourselves. And we needed to do that. We have been traveling, being more social, and just LIVING.

I find it ironic that infertility can be SUCH a grieving precess when you want it to be the opposite; LIVING.

And boy, are we living. And it feels good. We deserve it. And throughout this time, I have personally learned one thing.

I need to be more than a mom.

Now I know you're probably wondering, "WHAT?! I thought that's what you wanted?!"

And it is. I still want to be a mom. But I can't just put all my eggs in one basket, pun intended, and hope for the best. Because I've done that, and look where that has gotten me. Feeling unfulfilled. Depressed. Anxious. Lost. Alone. Unworthy.

Which is why, *drum roll please...* I have decided to put myself out into the workforce.

That's right. I want that nine to five, just like Dolly describes. I want to have interests and desires outside of motherhood and pregnancy. Because I have realized that...

...it might not be in the cards for me.

...And that's okay. I need to find my next dream, even though dream #1 will always be motherhood. But that has become my sole-focus the past couple of years that I kind of lost myself. And now, I am finding who I am, and who I want to be.

Soon, we will get our feet wet again, confronting those waves. But for now, there's a new body of water I need to confront, and that's finding me and who I want to be outside of motherhood.

don't forget a lifejacket,

s.