When I share our infertility journey, I often get this phrase:
"I can't imagine what that's like".
When that phrase is said to me, the following runs through my mind. I wish I could sum it up in one sentence for everyone to understand, but I can't. Here is just a start of how I can describe what it feels like.
Infertility is more than struggling to continue or start your family. It's:
trying to explain to others when you don't even understand yourself why this is happening
trying to keep a straight face when people ask you what's next and you don't even know yourself
wanting others to understand without receiving their pity
not wanting others to feel like they are walking on eggshells around you
wanting others to know what it feels like without wanting them to ever endure what you've been through
wishing those who are pro-life would go through what you've been through to open their eyes without actually wanting them to go through it (IYKYK)
opening up Instagram and social media and seeing yet another pregnancy announcement
feeling sorry for yourself
comparing others' journey to parenthood: realizing the time you have been trying to have one baby, the woman you've been following is on to having her third
being mad at others for their pregnancies
wanting to know what to do next but not hearing others' advice
feeling guilty for having a cheat day with your diet because it might affect your cycle
saying no to social events because it could affect your cycle
putting vacations and other dreams on hold because you can't afford them because of fertility treatments
following every single instruction to a T, and still not having a baby by the end
waiting
wanting to give people answers when you don't even have them yourself
avoiding the baby section at stores
actively buying faith purchases (buying a baby item in hopes that you will use it soon)
not going to a baby shower to protect your mental health while feeling super guilty about not going
crying the whole way home from a baby shower
holding back tears at work, baby showers, and in public
not knowing when or what will trigger you
being mad at God
questioning God
wondering if God is hearing you
panic attacks
wanting to be around babies
not wanting to be around babies
being excited for your friends that are expecting while absolutely feeling crushed on the inside
feeling like giving up
feeling like never giving up
not wanting to hear if "we've thought about surrogacy or adoption" (of course we have) and feeling like others are giving up on us when they say this
waiting
wondering why it is happening to you and not others
feeling 100% alone in this journey even when you know others are going through it too
watching the news on yet another child abuse case wondering why God would bless them with a child and not you
having intrusive thoughts/fantasies like a random stranger coming up to you that's pregnant and is willing to give you their baby
wanting to wake up from this nightmare
avoiding family
only wanting to be around family
feeling guilty that you haven't given your parents the opportunity to become grandparents yet
worrying if your grandparents will ever become great-grandparents
feeling like time is running out
being thankful that "we are young" but when in actuality that doesn't change what we are going through and how it's affecting us mentally and physically
feeling guilty that you are bringing your partner along through this time
avoiding holiday's and memorable days when all you can imagine is how different it would be if your babies were here
going to family-friendly events without having your baby with you
putting on a brave face at work
excusing yourself from meetings at work to have a quick cry in the bathroom
expecting to see blood every time you go to the bathroom
hating how much your body changes with infertility drugs
not feeling confident or sexy anymore with the number of bruises on your stomach
feeling bloated all the time
moon face (IYKYK)
over-analyzing every cramp, twitch and pain you feel
more waiting
prednisone (IFKYK)
wondering if this will ever end
wanting to fall asleep and never wake up
wanting to sleep all the time because that's the only place and time you can escape from this hell
avoiding anything political because it's not worth your time or energy trying to tell them your experience when they are so closed minded
scheduling, rescheduling countless appointments
endless stacks of paperwork to sign and be notarized
waiting to hear back from your doctors
doing so much research yourself you feel like you are qualified to be a doctor
reaching your deductible in the first week of January
not being excited for your ultrasounds because you just expect bad news
realizing you will never genuinely enjoy your pregnancy
realizing you may never give birth
realizing you may never be a mother
crying in your car after work
worrying you are doing your injections incorrectly
worrying that your fertility meds will get lost in the mail and will lead to a canceled cycle
worrying you'll get COVID and you'll have to cancel your cycle
worrying others have COVID and don't tell you and then your cycle gets canceled because of it
worrying that the fertility medications will affect your health in the long run
saying no to social situations because you can't afford it
wanting others to stay away if they are sick but not be rude about it
wanting others to understand how at risk you are for getting sick
wanting others to understand that just because they aren't contagious doesn't mean I am not susceptible to getting sick
wanting others to understand that if they get me sick, it increases my chance of losing my baby
opening up your storage in your basement and just staring at your baby items wondering if you will ever get the chance to use them
wondering if it works for her, why won't it work for me?
more waiting
missing fun sex
taking over 25 medications a day
throwing up from all of the medicine your body has to adjust to
counting the weeks, days and seconds until transfer day
being excited for transfer day
being terrified for transfer day
worrying the power went out at your IVF facility and something happened to your embryo's you have on ice
worrying your embryo didn't thaw properly
hating that transfer day went by too fast
surviving the TWW (two week wait)
wanting to test
not wanting to test
feeling like an 80 year old on Sunday's filling my AM and PM pill cases for the week
feeling like this is only happening to you when in actuality this happens to 1 in 8 couples
feeling personally attacked by God
wondering how bad your period will be this month and if you'll pass clots again
wondering if that clot was a baby
looking back at your wedding photos wishing you could warn the happy couple of what's to come
wishing you could go back in time and elope so you'd have more money for your fertility treatments
wishing you could work out as much as you used to, but having to follow your doctors' instructions
watching your body change so much and still not have a baby
wondering if this month "is the one"
having the slightest sliver of hope each month, only to be eventually crushed
crying on the toilet when your period comes
looking back at your gender reveal photo's wishing you could warn the mama and daddy to be
feeling guilty about having an alcoholic drink thinking it will ruin your cycle or egg quality
experiencing hair loss even though you haven't had a baby yet
wishing that "taking a vacation" or "just relaxing" or "stop thinking about it" would actually work
taking that "vacation" and still not ending up pregnant
taking that "break from trying" and still not ending up pregnant
"relaxing" and still not ending up pregnant
putting your feet up after sex every time even though there's less that a 1% chance it will work
wondering what my life would be like if I made different choices
second guessing my own dreams
hating that my body can't do what it's made to do
having to move to lower your mortgage so you can afford fertility treatments
feeling guilty that my husband is not a father by now
wondering if putting in all of this work will actually work or if it's just a waste of time and money
hating the holidays
not being able to participate in matching family pj's for the holidays
wondering what we could have used all of this money for instead of fertility treatments
getting a positive pregnancy test and your first thought is worrying about losing the baby
switching out all of your beauty products to all natural products because you are worried the chemicals are the cause of your miscarriages
spending over $200 on supplements alone each month
walking past the room in your house you know should be a nursery by now
even more waiting
I hope this list shed's some light to those who don't know what it's like. I would never wish infertility on anyone, but this is just a start on how it truly feels.
baby dust,
s.
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