Infertility Is More

When I share our infertility journey, I often get this phrase:

"I can't imagine what that's like".

When that phrase is said to me, the following runs through my mind. I wish I could sum it up in one sentence for everyone to understand, but I can't. Here is just a start of how I can describe what it feels like.

Infertility is more than struggling to continue or start your family. It's:

• trying to explain to others when you don't even understand yourself why this is happening

• trying to keep a straight face when people ask you what's next and you don't even know yourself

• wanting others to understand without receiving their pity

• not wanting others to feel like they are walking on eggshells around you

• wanting others to know what it feels like without wanting them to ever endure what you've been through

• wishing those who are pro-life would go through what you've been through to open their eyes without actually wanting them to go through it (IYKYK)

• opening up Instagram and social media and seeing yet another pregnancy announcement

• feeling sorry for yourself

• comparing others' journey to parenthood: realizing the time you have been trying to have one baby, the woman you've been following is on to having her third

• being mad at others for their pregnancies

• wanting to know what to do next but not hearing others' advice

• feeling guilty for having a cheat day with your diet because it might affect your cycle

• saying no to social events because it could affect your cycle

• putting vacations and other dreams on hold because you can't afford them because of fertility treatments

• following every single instruction to a T, and still not having a baby by the end

• waiting

• wanting to give people answers when you don't even have them yourself

• avoiding the baby section at stores

• actively buying faith purchases (buying a baby item in hopes that you will use it soon)

• not going to a baby shower to protect your mental health while feeling super guilty about not going

• crying the whole way home from a baby shower

• holding back tears at work, baby showers, and in public

• not knowing when or what will trigger you

• being mad at God

• questioning God

• wondering if God is hearing you

• panic attacks

• wanting to be around babies

• not wanting to be around babies

• being excited for your friends that are expecting while absolutely feeling crushed on the inside

• feeling like giving up

• feeling like never giving up

• not wanting to hear if "we've thought about surrogacy or adoption" (of course we have) and feeling like others are giving up on us when they say this

• waiting

• wondering why it is happening to you and not others

• feeling 100% alone in this journey even when you know others are going through it too

• watching the news on yet another child abuse case wondering why God would bless them with a child and not you

• having intrusive thoughts/fantasies like a random stranger coming up to you that's pregnant and is willing to give you their baby

• wanting to wake up from this nightmare

• avoiding family

• only wanting to be around family

• feeling guilty that you haven't given your parents the opportunity to become grandparents yet

• worrying if your grandparents will ever become great-grandparents

• feeling like time is running out

• being thankful that "we are young" but when in actuality that doesn't change what we are going through and how it's affecting us mentally and physically

• feeling guilty that you are bringing your partner along through this time

• avoiding holiday's and memorable days when all you can imagine is how different it would be if your babies were here

• going to family-friendly events without having your baby with you

• putting on a brave face at work

• excusing yourself from meetings at work to have a quick cry in the bathroom

• expecting to see blood every time you go to the bathroom

• hating how much your body changes with infertility drugs

• not feeling confident or sexy anymore with the number of bruises on your stomach

• feeling bloated all the time

• moon face (IYKYK)

• over-analyzing every cramp, twitch and pain you feel

• more waiting

• prednisone (IFKYK)

• wondering if this will ever end

• wanting to fall asleep and never wake up

• wanting to sleep all the time because that's the only place and time you can escape from this hell

• avoiding anything political because it's not worth your time or energy trying to tell them your experience when they are so closed minded

• scheduling, rescheduling countless appointments

• endless stacks of paperwork to sign and be notarized

• waiting to hear back from your doctors

• doing so much research yourself you feel like you are qualified to be a doctor

• reaching your deductible in the first week of January

• not being excited for your ultrasounds because you just expect bad news

• realizing you will never genuinely enjoy your pregnancy

• realizing you may never give birth

• realizing you may never be a mother

• crying in your car after work

• worrying you are doing your injections incorrectly

• worrying that your fertility meds will get lost in the mail and will lead to a canceled cycle

• worrying you'll get COVID and you'll have to cancel your cycle

• worrying others have COVID and don't tell you and then your cycle gets canceled because of it

• worrying that the fertility medications will affect your health in the long run

• saying no to social situations because you can't afford it

• wanting others to stay away if they are sick but not be rude about it

• wanting others to understand how at risk you are for getting sick

• wanting others to understand that just because they aren't contagious doesn't mean I am not susceptible to getting sick

• wanting others to understand that if they get me sick, it increases my chance of losing my baby

• opening up your storage in your basement and just staring at your baby items wondering if you will ever get the chance to use them

• wondering if it works for her, why won't it work for me?

• more waiting

• missing fun sex

• taking over 25 medications a day

• throwing up from all of the medicine your body has to adjust to

• counting the weeks, days and seconds until transfer day

• being excited for transfer day

• being terrified for transfer day

• worrying the power went out at your IVF facility and something happened to your embryo's you have on ice

• worrying your embryo didn't thaw properly

• hating that transfer day went by too fast

• surviving the TWW (two week wait)

• wanting to test

• not wanting to test

• feeling like an 80 year old on Sunday's filling my AM and PM pill cases for the week

• feeling like this is only happening to you when in actuality this happens to 1 in 8 couples

• feeling personally attacked by God

• wondering how bad your period will be this month and if you'll pass clots again

• wondering if that clot was a baby

• looking back at your wedding photos wishing you could warn the happy couple of what's to come

• wishing you could go back in time and elope so you'd have more money for your fertility treatments

• wishing you could work out as much as you used to, but having to follow your doctors' instructions

• watching your body change so much and still not have a baby

• wondering if this month "is the one"

• having the slightest sliver of hope each month, only to be eventually crushed

• crying on the toilet when your period comes

• looking back at your gender reveal photo's wishing you could warn the mama and daddy to be

• feeling guilty about having an alcoholic drink thinking it will ruin your cycle or egg quality

• experiencing hair loss even though you haven't had a baby yet

• wishing that "taking a vacation" or "just relaxing" or "stop thinking about it" would actually work

• taking that "vacation" and still not ending up pregnant

• taking that "break from trying" and still not ending up pregnant

• "relaxing" and still not ending up pregnant

• putting your feet up after sex every time even though there's less that a 1% chance it will work

• wondering what my life would be like if I made different choices

• second guessing my own dreams

• hating that my body can't do what it's made to do

• having to move to lower your mortgage so you can afford fertility treatments

• feeling guilty that my husband is not a father by now

• wondering if putting in all of this work will actually work or if it's just a waste of time and money

• hating the holidays

• not being able to participate in matching family pj's for the holidays

• wondering what we could have used all of this money for instead of fertility treatments

• getting a positive pregnancy test and your first thought is worrying about losing the baby

• switching out all of your beauty products to all natural products because you are worried the chemicals are the cause of your miscarriages

• spending over $200 on supplements alone each month

• walking past the room in your house you know should be a nursery by now

• even more waiting

I hope this list shed's some light to those who don't know what it's like. I would never wish infertility on anyone, but this is just a start on how it truly feels.

baby dust,

s.