WARNING: THIS POST IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING TO THOSE WHO HAVE LOST A BABY THROUGH A D&E/D&C. PLEASE NOTE THIS BLOG POST ALSO CONTAINS POLITICAL VIEWS AND BELIEFS. I KINDLY ASK THOSE WHO MAY DISAGREE TO BE RESPECTFUL, AND VICA VERSA.
Hello Warriors,
As many of you have noticed, I have been a little MIA for a while, grieving and processing the loss of Isaiah. With all the crazy things going around in this world, and with the election coming up, I felt it in my heart and for Isaiah's sake to write this post. Please note I normally would never talk about political issues on this blog, but I feel like sharing my experience may open some of my readers eyes.
K and my mom, up to this point, are the only two people who really know what happened that day.
The moral of sharing my story with the world is to please, please not judge people before you know their story.
It was time to head to the clinic, my heart aching in pain. Rubbing my belly one last time, as I walked to the car. The drive seemed long, even though it was only about 15 minutes. K held my hand in the back seat, as my mom drove.
As we pulled up, my worst fear came to life. About 50 or so protesters, WITH THEIR CHILDREN, held up signs of graphic abortion posters, having circles of prayer and worship, handing out brochures and pictures, while we pulled in. Immediately, I started bawling my eyes out. Seeing those pictures and posters only reminded me of what Isaiah would have looked like, the baby we have been praying for. We pulled into our parking spot, and things got worse. Protesters started banging on our car windows. Here are some of the things I remember them screaming to me, and my internal responses:
God loves your baby, please don't do this!
I know God loves my baby.
You still have time to change your mind!
No, I can't "change my mind" because this is out of my control. He is not viable out of the womb.
Don't hate your baby, it's such a blessing!
I LOVE my baby with all my heart, and wish he had a chance on this earth. He was the biggest blessing God has given me.
Think about judgment day!
(This one was my favorite). Judgment day? You wanna talk about judgment? You are judging me RIGHT NOW without even knowing my story. You assume since I am here that I am ALL FOR ABORTION. Little do you know, we have paid $20K for this child. I wanted this child. I prayed for this child. I still want this child. Little do you know how much I prayed for him. Little do you know all of the injections, medications and procedure I had to go through just to conceive him. Little do you know MY STORY.
You are going to hell.
No, I'm not.
During all of this screaming and terrorizing, they started to barricade and block the door. Note that some were protesting on the side walk, which is legal, but some were also trespassing, barricading the doors to allow me access to medical care.
I am all for freedom of speech, don't get me wrong. Heck, I am doing it right now! We all have to right to say what we believe, but breaking the law to do so? I can't let that slide. And neither can my mom.
My mom, and if anyone knows my mom, was and still is a badass. She immediately got out of the car, and asked them KINDLY to step away from her vehicle. Since they did not listen, she called 911 and the clinic.
A nurse came outside of the employee entrance, and told us police were on their way.
Unfortunately, it took the police a couple of hours to get there (not sure why). Hours felt like years in this case.
While all of this was happening, a young girl was also trying to get into the building. The protesters started pushing her away from the door. My mom immediately grabbed her and told her to come sit in the car with us. Her name, let's call her Mia since I want to protect her as well, was a young adult, surprisingly calm. Me in the back seat, was a hot mess.
While we waited for the police, we shared each other's stories. She was young and not in the place of her life to have a child. She also was there for birth control, so she wouldn't have to experience this again.
In my head I was first thinking, wow, how could she do this? She has no idea how bad I want a baby, and she's ending her child's life. Then I turned to the protester banging on the car window. I said to myself, wait-- what I just thought in my head is judgment. I have NO idea what her full story is. I have NO idea what her life is like at home, her financials, or anything about her. I just met her less than 5 minutes ago, and I am already judging her in my mind?
I cannot and will not be like one of these protesters. How they made, and are making, me feel is not okay. This is her choice, as much as it is mine.
Minutes later, which seemed like hours, the nurse came out of the employee entrance and told us to go park across the street and they would call us when everything was cleared up.
I said goodbye to Mia as her boyfriend showed up in his car, not knowing I would see her again.
My mom drove across the street, and we parked in the parking lot to calm down. I was hysterical. I have never been so angry and upset in my entire life. After about 10 minutes later, we saw a woman coming towards our car with a child in a stroller. As she got closer, I realized she had something in her hand. A brochure.
Yes, they had followed our car to another parking lot across the street from the clinic.
I screamed at my mom and told her we need to get out of here. She started to back out of the parking lot, rolled her window down to the woman, and said:
Stop following us. You have no idea what she has been through.
The woman's response?
I'm just trying to stop a murder from happening.
Yes, you read that right. A murder.
We eventually got the call that everything had been cleared up. We pulled into the clinic, and my mom looked at me and said,
Everything will be alright. I love you.
K gave me a kiss and an embracing hug, and I went inside. Just like my IVF treatments, he was not allowed inside due to COVID, so I had to do this alone.
When I went inside, I asked what had happened to the protesters. Apparently, they are a national terrorist group from Mississippi. Yes, terrorist group. FBI agent's have been looking for them for a very long time.
I asked the nurse if this happened a lot, and she said,
In the past 22 years that I have worked here, no, this has never happened.
After filling out loads of paper work, she handed me a pen and paper, saying the FBI would like to know your experience with the protesters to use it against them in court. I said, heck yes, do you have more paper? And this is what I wrote:
Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. Not including finding out our IVF baby, one we have been praying for for years, would not survive outside of the womb. I had to make the hard decision of whether or not to remove our baby or be induced and give birth to my deceased son.
Going into this pregnancy, finally getting that positive test, and now going through this is the hardest thing. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
The fact that the protesters were using phrases like "you are murdering your baby" and "this is a sin" really did not help my situation. They have no idea what kind of situation I am in.
This was a WANTED pregnancy. I cannot stress that enough. I love my baby on a level they will never be able to reach.
One thing I found to be ironic was when they said "think about judgment day!", when in actuality, aren't you the one judging me? When they don't know my situation?
Coming up to our car window and screaming to me through the rolled up window, blocking the door so patients can't get in, passing out graphic images, what do you think God thinks of that?
Why don't they use their time and energy with their own children God has blessed them with? The one's I prayed to conceive every single day of my life? Why can't they use their time and energy to help foster children? The one's that made it but no one seems to want? Wouldn't that make God a lot happier than judging others?
Their actions and words did not once make me "change my mind", when I know that's their goal. It saddens me and breaks my heart that women still have to face this. This is a women's choice between her and her doctor and NO ONE ELSES. Everyone's situation and story is different. I hope one day when I bring children into this world, things will be different.
When I turned in my paper, I once again saw Mia, and gave her a hug. Even though I was "alone" in the clinic, I wasn't alone. Mia was there with me. And that was enough for me.
It was time, and I rubbed my belly one last time, praying to God that he would take him now rather than during the procedure. Crying, I said to myself,
Mommy and Daddy love you so much, Isaiah. We cannot wait to see you again.
They did an ultra sound prior to the procedure.
I opted not to view the ultrasound, but then the nurse looked at me and said
It looks like you have suffered a missed miscarriage--meaning there is no heartbeat anymore. I'm so sorry.
I looked at her and started bawling. Even though she thought these tears were from sadness, they were tears of joy. Joy that my God answered my prayer of taking him before the procedure. He was with me through all of this. And going forward, I knew in my heart Isaiah was safe.
Soon I was in the car on our way home, footprints in my hand, Isaiah in my heart.
Isaiah, there is not a day that goes by, that I don't think of you. You were my first baby, and I love you so much. I miss you every day, and it gives me peace knowing that the first face you saw were the eyes of Jesus.
Now I know some of you are reading this, and are most likely judging me.
I ask you to think twice.
Think twice about the traumatizing event I had to go through and many other women go through every day, while mourning the loss of my son.
What about those babies that weren't wanted and were a mistake?
You ask? Not our business but the mother's and God's.
Why didn't you get induced and have your baby delivered?
Because the hospital wanted $15,000 for that, that's why. And I would have to wait until about 20 weeks pregnant. You think you could live with yourself for five more weeks of a deceased baby inside of you? And that's the average cost of an IVF treatment. Why would I spend that much money to have another traumatizing event, see my deceased child in my arms, when I can use that money towards another chance of having a child? Not to mention all of the complications inducing can cause.
And you think I wanted this to happen to my child? You think I was planning to get an abortion once I got pregnant? Absolutely not.
Wouldn't your baby pass naturally, eventually?
Eventually yes, but that is extremely dangerous for how far along I was. So dangerous, that it could jeopardize me ever having children again.
How can you call yourself a Christian if you're pro choice?
Pro Choice is exactly what it sounds like--choice. Who am I to make a choice about someone else's body or life?
Again, the moral of sharing my story with the world is to please, please not judge people before you know their story. If you were placed in my situation, and are pro-life, what would you have done?
As the election is coming up, especially if you are a "one-issued" voter, specifically against abortion, I ask you, please, to reconsider.
I still disagree with you.
That's fine. You have every right to, just like I have the right to disagree with you too. I just ask that we all take a step back and look before we judge others.
For those that are reading this who have lost a child or have gone through a similar situation, I am so sorry for your loss. Some of you might be asking:
Why are you sharing your experience? Aren't you afraid this will back fire?
I am sharing this for you. I am sharing this for me. I am sharing this for Isaiah. And I am sharing this for all of the women out there who feel alone, and need to hear others' stories to feel better. The point is to bring awareness that everyone's pregnancy journey is different, and that we think twice before judging.
baby dust,
s.
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