Hi Warriors,
I know I've been away for a while, but for good reason.
THE HOLIDAYS.
Yes, the "most wonderful time of the year", is not so wonderful for us warriors. But extremely wonderful for those with children, especially when they are so young.
I did have a nice Christmas, don't get me wrong, but this year, the holidays were just different. I am still having a hard time putting my finger on it. Maybe it's because we recently lost our Grandma B in December, or our canceled cycle in November, or the fact that I am no longer pregnant with Isaiah, just to name a few.
I did realize some things that were triggering besides my personal life-situations. Some of these things I can control and others I just have to deal with. It all started with Thanksgiving, and I was not expecting this to hurt me as much as it did.
Thanksgiving
"Thankful for this family I have", "So grateful to be your mommy", "Just a thankful Grandma", the list goes on and on. And each one stings. I understand one or two posts, but when they are back to back, consisting of your entire feed, it stings. Next year, God forbid I don't have a little one to be thankful for, I am staying off of social media the week of Thanksgiving.
Christmas Cards
I know, I am going to be a hypocrite, because I WILL send out Christmas cards once I have a family, but it hurts. They all hurt. Because it's something we have been longing for years. If you are planning to send out Christmas cards of your family next year, maybe think again about those who may be struggling starting a family. When we send out our Christmas cards in the future, I will definitely think twice about who I am sending them to, because I know how much they can hurt.
Matching PJ's
Yes, yes I will also be the family who probably has matching PJ's for Christmas, but maybe just the kids, or just have those pictures for us. Those dang matching PJ's are just a reminder of what I don't have this Christmas.
Mariah Freaking Carey
If I hear "All I Want For Christmas" one more time, I might actually lose it. This song is EVERYWHERE during the holidays. I mean, it's pretty much on every social media platform, not to mention the radio. No joke, every time I was in the car I heard it, and had to switch it. Not only is it just annoying, but the lyrics hit home. "All I Want For Christmas Is You". All I wanted for Christmas this year was to still be pregnant with Isaiah. That's all. I still want him. And this is just another reminder of what I can't have.
The Silhouette Bump Photo In Front of the Christmas Tree
One thing I was really looking forward to this Christmas was my bump picture in front of the tree. I would be in my third trimester if Isaiah were still here, and that's hard to think about. So when I see those pictures, it makes me wonder how big my belly would be and how many kicks I'd feel that day.
I know this blog post may just sound like a big complaint to most of you, but this is what my holidays were like. I'm not going to sugar coat it. At times, it was hell. The moral of this post is, I am so sorry for anyone who has had holidays like this. This was my second holiday season with no baby, and now that I've gone through it a couple of times, I know what to expect for next year (hopefully not).
A couple of things I did learn that I advise my other fertility warriors,
IT'S OKAY TO NOT OPEN THOSE CHRISTMAS CARDS
What they don't know won't hurt them, right?
STAY OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA AS LONG AS YOU'D LIKE
Because let's be honest, those matching PJ's and bump pictures are never going to go away. And don't forget those pregnancy announcements during Thanksgiving and Christmas (not that you do forget).
TURN THAT SH*T DOWN
Try and listen to music that doesn't trigger you.
And last but not least....
IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY
Of course you want to be okay, but let's face it, everything about infertility pretty much sucks. Instead of trying to fix every little thing, live in it. Let it be. Cry. Be mad. Get angry and yell. Because you are not having the "most wonderful time of the year", and I am with you there.
Baby Dust,
S.
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