Loss #3

I have been staring at this blank page for hours not sure what to write. Because I am not sure how I feel. How we feel. Or what to say.

We don’t know where to go or what to do from here. Time, embryos, tears, patience, and money is running out. I don’t know how much longer we can do this. I don’t know if we will ever be parents. Ever.

I would lose my baby the week of my birthday. Because bad things just seem to keep happening to me.

I have become so used to loss that I will never enjoy pregnancy again. I am used to it. I’m immune. It still hurts, but it’s different. It’s expected. The joy of transfer day is gone.

The joy of “two pink lines” is gone.

The joy of pregnancy bumps and milestones are gone. Because it always just gets taken away from me.

Before starting my infertility journey, pregnancy looked so appealing and exciting to me. Now it’s not. It’s just a tease.

Like taking candy from a child.

I am truly starting to think I will never experience a full term pregnancy, give birth, and be a mom.

baby dust —cause I sure as hell don’t have any,

s.