Hi Warriors in the Waiting,
Well, a lot has happened in between losing our sweet baby girl in February. Countless tests and what seems to be endless waiting, but we are finally getting somewhere.
Let's first start back in February.
K and I hoped the baby would come back "abnormal", because that would give us some what of an explanation to the miscarriage. If the baby came back normal, then that could mean something deeper is the issue (i.e genetically abnormal genes that can't be detected, or me not being able to carry, NK cells (natural killer cells), auto-immune disorder, etc).
So weeks go by, and I finally get the call that the baby was a girl, and came back "normal". The problem with that is, I am a girl, and I am genetically "normal". It is sometimes hard for doctors to know what cells they test (they don't know if they tested the baby's cells or if they tested the cells from my uterus because they are so close together). So, they tested a different part of the baby, and still, baby came back female and normal.
By this point, I was freaking out. Moving forward, our doctor wanted us to do further testing on myself, to see if my body is rejecting these pregnancies with natural killer cells, if I have a blood clotting disorder, if I have lupus, or if I have an auto-immune disorder.
For the longest time, I thought "this is all my fault. It's my fault our babies aren't here".
And after what seemed like years, we got some blood work back.
Antiphospholipid Screen: an auto immune disease caused by antibodies that provoke blood clots in veins and arteries, that can be causes of miscarriages. (For me, this came back normal). Women who have this tested and come back abnormal generally aren't able to carry children. I was extremely concerned that this was the case for me. Thrombophilia Workup: an imbalance of blood clotting proteins in your blood (basically blood clots). (This also came back normal for me, too.)
They also tested me for various blood work (not sure what the tests are called exactly) and it turns out I am a carrier of a gene called Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase (no, I did not just face-plant onto my key board) also known as the MTHFR gene, or the mother-f***** gene. This gene tells our bodies how to create enzymes that help break down the amino acid homocysteine. From my understanding, there are two varients (or copies) of this gene, C677T and A1298C. Some people can have a copy of both, two of each, or be a carrier of one. I am a carrier of one, C677T. And the good news is, most people are. In fact, one out of seven people are a carrier, and they don't even know it. Eating a healthy diet (lots of leafy greens and vegetables), exercising regularly, and in some cases cutting out gluten, have helped those with both copies of MTHFR. Since I am a carrier of only one copy, I don't necessarily have to implement those changes, but I will be increasing my veggie intake for sure, and taking a small dosage of an L-methylfolate supplement on top of my prenatal. People with MTHFR and high homocysteine levels usually have a folate, B-12 and B-6 deficiency. People without MTHFR can have foods and supplements with what is called Folic-Acid, which turns into Folate. But those with MTHFR and high homocysteine levels don't digest and break down folic-acid the same way, and so they need to take natural folate instead.
Although my homocysteine levels did come back "normal", my doctor still says it is safe to take a folate supplement on top of my prenatal without folic acid.
They also tested my PTT, or Partial Thromboplastin Time. This is the time it takes for my blood to form a clot. My time was 42, and it should be around 30. They tested it again, and it came back as a false positive.
We are still waiting for some other tests to come back, but my doctor believes I can carry babies, and nothing has come back to be a cause for concern.
Now you're probably wondering, "well then why did you miscarry? Twice?". And that's a good question.
Our doctor believes with Isaiah, he most likely had a chromosomal abnormality that PGT-A could or could not have detected. He explained it to me like this: "We know that there are planets out in space, but we have only landed on Mars so far" (i.e meaning we only know a small number of certain causes of miscarriages, but we know that there are more we haven't discovered yet).
With baby girl, he believes it could be the same reason, or it could have just been a natural miscarriage. He explained it to me like this: "you can be 1 in 4, roll the dice again, and still be 1 in 4".
And what do I believe? Honestly it changes. Daily.
Some days I think to myself my body is rejecting these pregnancies. Then I ask myself, "well then how come I was so far along with Isaiah? How come I got pregnant after every transfer?"
Some days I think it's just bad luck, two abnormal embabies we will never get the answer to.
And other days, I blame myself for not doing PGT-A testing (genetically testing your embryos prior to transfer) for our first cycle. Would that have made a difference? Would we have a baby by now?
Some days I think it's a combination of us, me and K. Our DNA. Or either me or him. But science isn't there yet, and we may never know.
MOVING FORWARD
I am terrified. I am terrified to try again. To do all of these shot, medications, procedures, and endless doctor's appointments to maybe have a baby.
But, we are trying again. And I am willing to keep on trying, because it's bound to happen eventually, right? 😉 And I'm not giving up, just quite yet.
May 24th is my baseline appointment. Hopefully I will be starting STIMS that week for IVF retrieval round #2. This cycle, we will be trying to retrieve more eggs, create more embabies, and we will be sending them out to be genetically tested (PGT-A), along with the supplement and prenatal changes.
We could really use everyone's thoughts and prayers as we start again, and those who are expecting, SEND THAT BABY DUST TO US!
bay dust,
s.
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