You know that feeling you were placed on this earth to do something? Your purpose? Well, mine is to be a mom.
I have always been fascinated with babies, the idea of birth, pregnancy and all things kid related. I remember I would come home from middle school, grab my snack and turn on TLC's A Baby Story. Yes, people in my life thought this was strange, and still to this day I still hear about how weird it was from family and friends, but I didn't care then, and I still don't care now. I somehow felt connected and empowered by shows and stories like that, and knew my purpose in life was to be a mom someday.
Naturally, with that purpose in mind, I decided to guide my career path towards working with kids; specifically newborns to age five. Kids are, well, my life, even though I don't have any of my own.
So the plan was to find a respectful man who also wants kids (which I did), get married (which I also did), and start a family (haha), right?
Wrong.
God had a different plan for me. One that I still have a hard time realizing.
I have always been a planner. And this is something I have struggled with my entire life, especially with my faith. Letting God take control and trust his plan is far better than mine will ever be.
For the longest time, I was really angry with God. Which turned into me being angry with everyone around me; my friends, acquaintances, family, my husband, and even myself, taking out my anger and frustration on them, and not giving myself grace.
I would lay awake at night screaming in my head "hello God?! are you there?! I've been praying to you constantly about blessing k and I with a little one!" and "why are you doing this to me?? what have I done to deserve this?" and "are you punishing me for some reason?!"
And finally, the one I still think about "if you decide my purpose in life, which is to be a mom, why are you making it so difficult to do so??"
Little did I know, God was AND STILL IS, working on our plan. a plan I never thought in a million years he would take us through. A plan of infertility.
baby dust,
s.
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