Hi Warriors,
I cannot believe I am writing this. We officially lost our one baby that stuck on Feb 24th, around 12pm.
The day before at work, I had a gush of blood. My boss let me leave to go get checked out, and thankfully I was near the IVF office.
It was the nurses and staffs lunch break, and I couldn't reach them by phone. So I headed up to the office anyway, and knocked on the door (more like pounded). A nurse said she would be with me shortly, but shortly seemed like a life time.
I eventually was placed in room one, and during the ultrasound, the nurse saw some internal bleeding in my uterus.
She said this is completely normal, and they see this in over 50% of their patients. Plus she said the bleeding wasn't even the worse she's seen.
The bleeding was near/behind the tissue protecting the baby. The gestational sac and heartbeat looked great (i.e the bleeding was not from the baby) but she wanted me to see our doctor the following day just to make sure.
So I headed home, and started to get super light headed. I was driving and was worried I wouldn't make it home, but I did.
K helped me from the car, and led me to our bed. Soon after, I was dizzy and passing clots. We were terrified.
We called the nurse, and they reassured us that this was normal. But as time passed, and more clots passed, I knew in my heart that there was no way our little peanut was going to survive this much blood loss.
We called the nurse again, debating whether or not I should go to the emergency room or not because of how much blood I was losing, but she said if it got worse to head to the ER.
Thankfully, my bleeding lightened up a bit, but did not completely stop.
One restless night's sleep later, we headed back to the IVF office.
K and I were feeling pretty hopeful. We were laughing on the car ride there, enjoying the sunshine...
I called and did my COVID screening when we arrived, and told K I would call him if it's bad news, and text him if it's good news.
Soon I was back in room one. The nurse asked me if the bleeding continued, I said yes, but not as heavy.
The doctor soon came in.
I saw our little embaby, but with just the tiniest flicker.
The doctor and nurse saw it too, but it was so slow and soft, he couldn't even get the sound of it. He continued the ultrasound to check for yesterdays bleeding. He couldn't find any. He headed back to our baby, and the heart just stopped beating while all three of us were desperately looking for it. He tried to get a sound of it one more time, and it was just white noise. The loudest white noise I've ever heard, and him saying, "I'm so sorry".
I remember feeling my own heart stopping--dropping to my stomach. Thinking how could this happen, again.
I remember covering my face with my hands, and just bawling and wailing. The nurse had me sit up, and started rubbing my back in comfort. I cried out, "I just want a baby, I just want a baby", not realizing I was saying this out loud. The doctor responded, "I know, and we will get you there".
I remember screaming, "I want my husband, I want my husband!", hysterically.
The nurse looked at me with heavy eyes and told me that he is not allowed up here due to COVID and that she was so, so sorry.
I called K, but said nothing to him, as he already knew from the tears and wailing he heard on the other end of the phone.
I remember our doctor saying he will call us from the car to talk about what's next.
I got up, got dressed, looked at the ultrasound screen, and placed my hand over the picture of our baby for one last time, looking at the recording of the white noise.
The nurse led me all the way down stairs to meet K. The hysterical crying grew as I hugged my husband. I could feel the warmth of his tears on my neck.
I heard the nurse say "I'm so sorry", again, and "we will call you shortly, okay?"
Soon we were in the car, crying together instead of laughing, and closing the car windows to avoid the cold breezes instead of enjoying the warmth of the sun that seemed to disappear.
As far as our IVF journey, we don't know what's next. We don't know if it's in our future. But I do know, kids WILL be in our future.
baby dust,
s.
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