Most everyone has been in a situation or conversation that is incredibly sensitive, personal, or uncomfortable, and struggles with what to say. You're intentions are not to hurt that person, but to make them feel like you care, and sometimes that can be hard to do, especially if it is something you haven't gone through yourself.
I have had some conversations with people about our infertility struggle, mostly with people I trust and care about, and vice versa. Some of these comments or phrases have come up in our conversations. To those who have said these to me, I know you're intentions are good and you don't mean to hurt me. But some of these phrases can be interpreted as hurtful and insensitive. And most of the time, these sayings are coming from people who either don't have trouble conceiving, or already have children.
10 things NOT to say to someone struggling to conceive:
1. "You have so much time, you are so young!"
On average, it takes a healthy couple up to a year and a half (that's 12-18 months!) to conceive naturally. A lot of times, couples wait until they are older to start trying for many different reasons; whether it be financial reasons, career reasons, or even personal. With that in mind, most couples don't realize how long it actually takes for a healthy normal couple to conceive a child (a healthy couple has about a 22-25% chance of conceiving each month). And the older you are (the longer you wait) the harder it is to conceive a child. Once a woman reaches the age between 30-35 years old, she is considered nowadays a "high risk pregnancy". So no, we don't have a lot of time.
2. "It'll happen."
This one makes me angry, especially in our case, because there is a good chance it won't ever happen. It's easy for you to say, especially if you didn't have a hard time conceiving.
3. "You want kids? Take one of mine!"
Your child(ren) is/are a gift from God. You should cherish each moment with them, the good and bad, because millions of women would kill to be in your shoes. Don't take your child for granted.
4. "Trust me, you don't want kids".
This one hurts, and usually coming from someone who has kids. How can you tell me what I want and don't want in my life?
5. "Maybe it's not meant to be".
This is just gut wrenching. And it's not up to you, or even me. It's up to the big guy upstairs. Saying this shows us you have little to no hope in us conceiving, the opposite of what we need.
6. "Stop trying, then it'll happen".
No. Just no. This one really gets me. If we literally stop trying, there is a 0% chance we would get pregnant. If we continue trying, there is a 1-2% chance of us conceiving. So no, this does not make sense and it does not help.
7. "Stop stressing about it, that's probably the reason you're not pregnant yet".
I have asked my doctor this, and he is quite certain that stress can not cause someone infertility. It can however affect if someone ovulates or not, in very very rare cases. But no, stress is not the reason we can't have kids naturally.
8. "Have you tried x, y & z?"
Chances are, yes. And bringing it up reminds us that x, y and z did not work.
9. "Have you thought about adoption?"
Yes, of course we have. We have thought about all of our options. As we would love to adopt someday, right now is not the right time for us. Adoption is very very expensive and isn't always guaranteed.
10. And last but not least, "Is it his fault or yours?"
And yes I have been asked this by someone who doesn't necessarily need to know. Of course we have gone into in-depth details with our families and closest friends, but come on, you don't need to know this. Does it really matter who's fault it is? We are a team. So no, it doesn't matter.
So next time you are stuck in this difficult situation, try NOT to say these things. Infertility is hard enough. The last thing we need are reminders of our struggle.
In my next post, I will be discussing phrases to say during conversations like these.
baby dust,
s.
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